Wowsers I let another month pass by without a post, so much for my aim to regularly write but hey there’s a little munchkin that gets the attention first and foremost!
Since I last wrote our trio of family babies has been completed and we have welcomed the beautiful Charlie in to our family on the 1st of December, just 2 weeks early, she waited till we had her baby blessing gathering on the 30th November and then decided we were all having too much fun without her in the flesh so out she popped. I’m sure it wasn’t quite that easy for her mumma but you get the drift!
Our little tribe had a wonderful Christmas and the three girls did their little rotation of needing feeds, of course never at the same time so one of us mummas was usually found somewhere round the house, boob out feeding our munchkins. Below is a picture of our little blessings from left to right Addison, Gwen and Charlie:
This time last year I was recovering from a hangover and didn’t know it at the time but had just had my last heavy drinking session in a year. We were commencing another round of changing habits on the 2nd trying to really get healthy and ready for our cruise in April. I can’t remember where in the piece the conversation occurred but John and I had joked that to fall pregnant we really needed to ‘do the deed’ every 2-3 days to which John had scoffed ‘yeah right you’d never follow through on that’…..that was apparently the red flag to a bull and the challenge was accepted. So we have to thank my stubbornness and urge to prove John wrong combined with Acupuncture for bringing us our little miracle babe that we waited, hoped and prayed for the universe to deliver for 13 years. A lot of this year has passed in a blur and seems so far away now. John and I had discussed that March 2020 we would stop trying to have a baby and that once we got back from my 40th cruise in April 2019 we would have a very focused effort on falling pregnant combining acupuncture, going to a reproductive endocrinologist, more tracking cycles etc. and of course the challenge had been set to try do the deed every couple of days so there was of course trying to follow through on that haha.
I remember having the strongest ovulation symptoms I’ve ever had on Australia Day as we were getting ready to go out to play mini golf and remember thinking hmmm maybe we should stay home and get busy, the urge to socialise was too strong and out we went with me thinking well if its meant to be we did have sex 3 days ago so that’s still a possibility and wouldn’t that mean we’d get a girl if we did fall pregnant….all tongue in cheek not believing a word of it because we’d tried for so long.
Roll on to 11th February our 13th Wedding anniversary and also 13 years since we started trying to fall pregnant. My period was a week late, given I have PCOS this was not unusual but I’d had 4 months of regularity due to acupuncture regulating my cycle so I had thought in the back of my mind, maybe, just maybe this was it. However I was not willing to purchase a pregnancy test and find out as I’d stopped with that disappointing cycle ten years earlier, yep I literally had not done a pregnancy test in ten years as it was too upsetting always getting that negative result. I also had a feeling that the reproductive endocrinologist appointment I’d been to at the start of February and the tests she’d ordered would show anything up if there was anything to show. Tuesday the 12th February I was at work and my mobile rang, I ducked in to a coaching room to take the call, it was my endocrinologist she wanted to know more about the HCG drops we were taking for Changing habits protocol. I instantly knew what she was asking – could these show up as a false positive pregnancy result. I knew that they couldn’t as the amount was negligible and also they were homeopathic so slightly different chemical make up or something to the naturally occurring HCG that is found in your blood when you fall pregnant. She also wanted to know if there was thyroxine in them as my levels were a bit hinky, I answered that the HCG couldn’t cause a false positive and I didn’t think there was thyroxine but I’d have to check. She then responded with well your HCG levels indicate you are pregnant….it was I think at this point I went in to a bit of shock and I mean literally not figuratively, she asked if I could get to the Royal Perth Hospital quickly so I could have a blood test to see what my HCG levels and progesterone levels were like as progesterone was a bit low. I stammered yes and she got off the phone and emailed me the blood test form. I rang mum as the RE had said to find out about thyroxine in the drops and stammered to mum asking if she knew and then blurted out that I was pregnant, I was shaking like a leaf at this point and in uncontrollable tears. I then rang my boss to say I needed to leave and get this blood test done and cried to her as well telling her what was going on. I walked out of the coaching room to my on site team who of course wanted to know what was wrong, I explained in between sobs and one of the team members offered to drive me to the hospital as she could see I was not in a fit state to drive. Off we toddled and once I was in the car I got to call John, poor thing was like 5th to find out. After the hospital I had all intentions of staying at work but I was just too worked up and couldn’t stop crying, I headed home and decided to buy a pregnancy test for the first time in a decade. John was in shock and I think a bit speechless when I got home, I remember being a bit cross with him as the reaction was not what I thought it would be. I went and did the pregnancy test and finally got my positive one. John was worried and voiced he didn’t want to lose me, I scoffed well they generally don’t let mothers die in childbirth nowadays….who would have thought that his fears were actually quite valid and that we would come close to a horrible outcome.
Many of you will already know much of this story so if you’ve come this far thanks for reading, I do feel the need to purge the year and recap things in total, it can then be packaged up in a nice neat box in my mind and we can move on with this new year and decade. Feel free to stop reading now if you’ve heard it all before 🙂
So we were finally pregnant, I was taking progesterone 3 times a day as my levels were so low, I felt pretty crappy all the time but am not a spewer so it was just constant nausea and tiredness but I was oh so happy to be feeling all of that. We were getting ready for our trip to Sydney, I’d had to cancel the cruise part for John and I but we were still heading to Sydney to stay in the hotel whilst mum and dad went on the cruise. Just before our trip we had our anatomy scan to put our minds at ease and all was looking fantastic there were no issues.
Pre trip new haircut for my 40th.
12 week anatomy scan of our little Peanut.
We enjoyed Sydney but I was still so tired all the time but at least the nausea had started to go. I remember thinking that this was such a different 40th to what I had expected, I was expecting to be quite upset and drowning my sorrows at not being a mum and was so glad that I instead could celebrate that I was going to be a mum later this year.
Once in the 2nd trimester I thought that my anxiety of losing the baby would subside but it escalated. I had grown up knowing so many people in my life that had lost babies whether in pregnancy or postnatally that it was weighing on my mind almost constantly. I just remember thinking I cannot lose this baby it would break me and I just couldn’t shake my anxiousness I felt like this was my one and only shot and if anything happened I wouldn’t get another chance. This made me a blubbering mess through much of the 2nd trimester, so much so that my OB and I decided it was best to finish up work on the 19th July at 25 weeks pregnant and take some of my sick leave to rest and try and address my anxiety issues. In hindsight this was a blessing……
At 27 weeks I was finally starting to enjoy my pregnancy, I was starting to feel bub more and more and loved just laying and feeling her move, I was relaxing more and more and less anxious. I had plans to do lots of cooking and freezing of meals so that we had ready made things for after she was born as I knew I’d be having an elective c section. I got one dish made and frozen.
Saturday the 17th August we went out with some friends for a b’day and were out really late then Sunday the 18th August we met John’s 2 boys at a Dome in Midland for lunch, I was feeling a bit of twinges in the lower abdomen but at that point thought nothing of it. Around 8pm that night I was having some cramping and back pain and had some bleeding, I hadn’t had any bleeding since about the week 9 mark so it freaked me out, I decided to have a lay down and message with my student midwife to see what she thought. She advised going to the hospital and getting it checked out, better to be safe than sorry right. We rocked up to SJOG Mt Lawley where I was meant to have bubs at about 9.30pm and they took me up to the labour ward and we got all hooked up on a monitor to see how bubs was doing. She was fine, mind you she kept kicking at the monitor making it hard for them but we got a good trace, I gave a urine sample and there was blood in it so my OB was rung to see if she wanted to come in and check me out. She got all the facts and said she thought it was fine to go home and come back to her rooms in the morning for a scan to confirm things were fine and see if she could see where the bleeding was coming from. Again hindsight is fantastic lol, the OB says she is so glad she did this because if she came in she would not have had access to her internal ultrasound on the ward and wouldn’t have been able to discover what she did. So I have written my birth story before so I wont rehash again but its funny how as time goes on little flashes of different things come back to me. Like how surreal it all felt as they called a code in the labour ward and rushed me to surgery. How I kept thinking wow there are so many people in here and feeling embarrassed that I was bleeding all over the place in front of them all. How when I was having lower back pain and cramps I refused to call them contractions as it was too soon to be having those and surely they couldn’t be contractions – can you say denial!
And just because we now have our beautiful miracle does not mean that I don’t have feelings of disappointment about how she came out. Nothing that i planned for or wanted as part of her delivery was able to occur. My greatest sadness is at not seeing her come out and not meeting her till she was 15 hours old, it at times till causes me to get a little teary. People have at times not understood this or discounted my feelings of grief around this and I have to at times defend that these feelings are valid, I was robbed of what could have and should have been a beautiful experience and instead it was traumatic. This does not mean I don’t feel grateful for my gorgeous little girl every single day.
We are now at a point where things are awesome, she is a dream bub, I know this will wax and wane as she goes through developmental stages but for now things are perfect, she sleeps through the night, she’s the happiest little smiley girl, we never wake to crying we always wake to stirring in her cot and you go and look in at her to see this beautiful smiling grinning face looking up at you with such love it is just my favourite time of the day getting her up from her big night time sleep. We have snuggly cuddles and go change her bum and then have a lovely morning breastfeed and things could not be more perfect at that exact point.
But we have been through some hellish weeks with her too and my mum was correct in pointing out the other day when I was talking about how excellent things are and how shes such a happy girl that we block out the bad bits and we have had some bad bits. We were in hospital for 6 weeks so when she came home her days and nights were arse about, John and I did shifts where he’d be up from 11pm to 4 or 5 am with her and do a bottle feed over the night time so I could get some sleep. I’d then take over and he’d go to bed – we were like ships passing in the night….or early hours of the morning as it was. She’s had her clingy periods where she would only sleep on us during that time and hence the shifwork we did! She started to refuse the breast with the nipple shield and we had to spend an intense 2 weeks at mum and dads whilst John was sick with the flu and shingles and we also during that time were trying to learn how to breastfeed all over again this time without the nipple shield. We tried to stop top ups of formula as I wanted to exclusively breast feed but she lost weight, I’ve done everything I could think of and read about to increase my supply including strict 3 hourly schedules of feeding, topping up with bottle then power pumping for 50mins every time till I was too exhausted and had to resign myself to the fact that formula is going to be a part of our journey. I’ve eaten oats, milo and any other food touted to increase milk supply, I’ve been taking Motillium (Domperidone) for the last 16 weeks, my GP is wanting me to wean off this now and this is making me shit scared of the impact that it might have on my supply. Due to this I’ve started pumping after every feed again and doing a power pump once or twice a day to try and offset the impact of coming off the tablets. I love feeding my baby so much and I don’t want to stop so i will continue to do anything in my power to keep going. We are in a good place now however and she can latch effectively by herself so much so that the other day we were having a shower and she took it upon herself to latch on and have a feed whilst showering little ratbag!
The only aspect of life that is getting me down at the moment is my body image and this horrible fear I have of putting my body image issues on to my daughter which is why I need to do things now to change how I feel about myself. I have again ballooned to my heaviest weight and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. John has set me up a gym area in the garage which I’ve only used once since he set it up but with a new year comes all those new resolutions etc. so next week I intend to try and use it twice and I shall increase this as my fitness increases, in between we shall walk and walk and walk. I am quite worried as I have committed to doing 2 x PT sessions with some ladies from our mothers group each week and I feel like I’m going to be in a world of pain next week as I’m so unfit at the moment. Wish me luck as our first two sessions are Monday and Tuesday then on Thursday two of the ladies are coming to do a workout in our garage with me ….we might be dying by Friday. I’m so conscious of needing to be able to use my arms to lift Addy that it worries me a little hehe 😜 we might need to have a pool session on Friday as recovery will see how we go.
Anyways now is awesome 😎. Our little fighter is so beautiful and such a happy girl.
Wish us luck for her 4 month immunisations tomorrow hopefully she does not scream too much and mummy doesnt cry too much.
Who knew 12 months ago that this is where we’d be today, I’m so grateful that this happened and finally all my dreams have come true, I have my perfect little family and that is all I have wanted for so long. Dreams can come true, keep pushing and never give up. ❤️❤️❤️❤️