3 weeks old tomorrow!

Addison is 3 weeks old tomorrow! Wow that has gone fast and slow, it’s such a hard thing to describe how time seems strange when you are living day to day in the special nursery. At times it flies by but at other times it feels like we have been doing this for ever!

I am struggling with the concept of what it means to be a mum and I think this is exacerbated by the fact that Addy is not home with us. During the day I definitely feel like her mum when I’m here with her and feeding and changing and cuddling her but then I go home without her and besides the three hourly expressing things don’t seem too different so I start thinking ‘why don’t I feel like a mum?’ And then I start questioning things like have we bonded, does she even recognise my voice,smell or presence when I am with her. I think at times being the parent of a bub who has to stay in special nursery can be quite a mind fuck at times. It’s also something that unless you have done it you probably have no comprehension of how emotionally and physically tiring the journey can be, not just for me and John but my parents who are looking after me and driving me around. This is on top of me trying to recover from my c section and massive blood loss that occurred during that process!

You never want to leave the nursery but you know you have to go get rest. I just want to hold her all the time and could not care less if she gets used to sleeping on myself or her dad, we’ve waited too long for her.

So I had a little pause in writing this as we had the plan to transfer to our private hospital come to fruition! We have now moved and I am staying as a boarder so I can be at Addys beck and call lol! I’ve woken with a massive headache this morning probably due to being back in a hospital bed! But I’ve had 2 lots of skin to skin cuddles during the night and multiple breastfeed attempts so I’m happy!

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Introducing Addison Rose

Well that escalated quickly……

Our gorgeous daughter – Addison Rose – was born at 1.03am on the 22nd August by emergency c-section under a general anaesthetic. She just had to make an entrance! She was born 4 pound 3 ounces, 43cms long with a 30cm head circumference.

I thought I’d share the blur that has been the past 36 hours or so, be warned parts of it are not pretty!

So after my last update telling you all that Wednesday had been particularly awful with lots of cramping and a bit more bleeding happening, things did not get better from there. That night between 10.30-11.30 in particular I started measuring contractions/tightening that were between 2-3mins apart and severe cramping was happening. I rang my bell to get my midwife in who was at tea so another one that didnt know the situation came in instead and was like oh no thats fine I’ll get you a heat pack and just try and get some sleep. So I tried her theory and rang John to tell him that I was not happy and things were hurting and escalating, I then decided to go to the toilet…..well that is where the fun began with some significant haemorrhaging. I called the midwives again and luckily my one came down this time and decided it was time to call the doctors. The doctor arrived very quickly and came and did an assessment which was not pleasant as I was still losing blood quite quickly. This determined that I was now also dilating and for all accounts going in to active labour. Off to the birthing suites we went meanwhile I’m calling John and Mum and Bek (student midwife) to get their butts in to the hospital. Once in the birthing suites there is all of a sudden about 14 people in the room preparing me for a c-section with the anaesthetist assessing my spine for the spinal block or epidural or both. However in the short time between changing between one bed and the other for transport I again lost a lot of blood and next thing they are calling a code for emergency c section and advising that I need to have it under a general anaesthetic and then start running me down to the theatre. I was in a panic at this time just wanted John who was not going to get there in time. I was also told that it wouldn’t have mattered if he was there as it was now a GA he wouldn’t have been allowed in. I remember the doctors talking to me about how quickly they needed to now put me under and get this done and then I was out for the count. Next thing I remember is being wheeled past Mum and Dad and John and Bek to go to the recovery ward I was going to be staying in for a day or two and asking if the baby was ok. That was yesterday it seems a blur. I lost 1.8 litres of blood apparently and that played a part in how drowsy I was yesterday and lethargic. I got to see my beautiful daughter twice and hold her once yesterday but I was pretty out of it and just wanted to sleep. Apparently due to how she was positioned (transverse again) they had to cut horizontally on the external part of me but internally they have had to cut vertically which is apparently not the best thing and takes a bit of healing but it had to be done to get her out. I ended up spending 2 nights in the adult special care unit before being transferred back to the ward and room that I was on before this all happened.

Addison will be in the special care nursery for some time and I am struggling with the prospect of me being discharged and her staying here. I just don’t want to leave her and feel I need to be with her but not much I can do if the hospital clears me for discharge in a few days. John and I are besotted with our beautiful little girl and she’s a fighter and going to make it through this. She’s a bit lazy with her breathing at times and is on a CPAP machine to help with this, they tried to take if off her today but only lasted 2 hrs because she starts shallow breathing. She has the most delicate and long fingers and her toes are also long and fine. It looks like she might have some curls but is really too soon to tell. I literally just went down part way through this to see her and deliver a syringe of colostrum, and I always come away crying because I don’t want to leave, she also had a little cry and grizzle at one point and I was able to just put my hand on her back and she calmed down quite quickly. She is having to have donor milk currently along with my colostrum that I am expressing every 3 hours however I dont always get much so she needs top ups with the donor milk.

It is going to be a long few weeks before we can take our little princess home but I just cant wait till that day. I feel a bit empty now with still having a bloated tummy but no little peanut in there and I dont think they will let me permanently camp out in the special nursery 😦

Anyways I think I’m healing well, probably pushing myself too much but I need to be able to be mobile and in form for when she does come home.

My main focus now is expressing as much colostrum and milk for her (when it comes in) as I will still be doing everything in my power to successfully breastfeed her when she is able. Apparently they wont before 34 weeks gestation as the suck reflex has not developed so there is no point trying just yet but as soon as that CPAP mask is off I am going to start familiarising her with it so that we hopefully can transition her to the boob once she is able.

Anyways I must stop dribbling crap as my eyes are going blurry with tiredness and there’s only 20mins before I have to do another 40mins expressing so might have a little nap!

thanks for everyone’s support 💋

Hospital Day 3 – an Update

Sorry folks not making these updates very pretty with pictures but I don’t have access to wifi here and am having to instead hotspot from my phone so need to conserve the data.

So it’s day three in Hospital and day 3 has been slightly worse than day 2 in some ways but in others not so much. I suppose I should start with yesterday and what went on then, the day started for me at 5.30am when I woke after only 2 hrs sleep even having the aid of a sleeping tablet at 3.30am. As you can imagine this left me pretty wired for the remainder of the day. During that night I had been getting some pains in my right side and back and that impacted my ability to sleep as well.

So the poor first nurse on that day, the lovely Di, walked in on me having a bawl and just generally being sad and sorry for myself. We decided that as I am going to be now missing out on my antenatal counselling that I was attending externally we would tee me up with the Psych services here for some counselling instead. Yesterday was a day where the tears just wanted to continue to flow. I was scared about what was happening and not knowing how things were going to progress, scared at the prospect of having a preemie baby that would need additional attention in the special nursery and therefore separation from me post birth and this is still one of the things that upsets me the most.

I have to try stop starting sentences with So but its hard to know what to say at times and its a good sentence starter….anyways….Tuesday was the teary day with lots of doctors streaming in and out, diabetes consults, the team of doctors (8 of them) who are assigned to me, the psychiatrist, anaesthetist and of course the regular midwives checking my Obs etc.

There was a decision to do a full anatomy ultrasound again, to see where she was sitting now and it gratefully showed that she is in a breech position now (bum down) an the cord has moved out of the way of the opening of the cervix thankfully. However we seem to be breeding a little gymnast in there who is constantly moving, when you think of it she went from Head down position just on Wednesday to feet first and cord first Monday to Breech on Tuesday! Who knows what position she will move to next. She demonstrates these acrobatics regularly when they want to do a CTG trace looking at her heart rate and any abdominal contractions that I might be having and it needs to be monitored for at least 20mins. She kicks at the monitor pads they place on me and then turns her back on them so her heartbeat is harder to hear and wriggles and makes it do static noises! One of the regular midwives now comes in and asks how my naughty baby is doing lol.

Today has been a hard one again after Tuesday where things on the crampy, tightening front had settled down and bleeding had pretty much disappeared it has reappeared with a vengeance today and i have had cramps and tightening (not yet contractions) all day and a lot more bleeding. They have decided its not yet active labour which is good but i have to keep updating them on any ‘discharges’ and cramping and note them down and the times and lengths. Pregnancy certainly gets rid of any dignity you thought you might have had especially when you regularly have to drop ya daks to show your pad and describe toilet wipings to nurses!! #Funtimes

Our aim is to try keep her in as long as we can so bed rest it is with no more than 5mins up walking at a time. I can go visit the hospital cafe, library etc but have to be in a wheelchair and cant be away from my room for more than an hour. So probably expect more dribbling of verbal diatribe from me in this blog in the coming days, weeks etc. as I’ll need something to keep me occupied and writing this is a good outlet for my thoughts so they dont clutter my mind.

The psychiatrist did suggest that I make sure I am doing some writing about how I’m actually feeling about this so I’ll give that a go too.

I’m scared, I’m feeling ripped off that my potentially one and only experience of pregnancy and birth is going down this road. I’m upset that I am going to have to cancel my baby shower, I was looking forward to catching up with friends and family and celebrating this occasion that i have longed for for a very long time. I am upset I’m going to miss at least 1 of my sister in laws baby showers and a really good friends 40th. But those things are all secondary, I’m scared of what is happening and what the future may hold and I miss John and being home with him and I miss Baggins and having furry cuddles. Given the next time I see the cat I’ll be brining a foreign little baby in to the house to him I’m worried how he will react. I’m worried about John and the pressure this is putting on him to do the things we need done around the home to prepare for the arrival of little Peanut and that he is doing all this extra travel to and from visiting me and not sleeping because he never sleeps well when I’m not there and he’s worried and scared too and won’t talk to me about it because he thinks he needs to take my worry off me but not share his own.

I miss having him on hand for soothing cuddles as needed and love when he arrives here and can give me one of his big cuddles and it makes me feel so much better.

I’m upset after meeting with the NICU paediatrician today who went through what to expect with special nursery that if Peanut is born before 35 weeks here then it’s unlikely I will be able to get much skin to skin straight away as they have to stabilise her first then you get a quick kiss and she’s whisked off to the nursery. I know that its for her best interest but i wanted that bonding time and breastfeeding time with her straight up.

So the plan is to do what I’m told and rest, keep her in as long as we can. If we make it to 34 weeks we will transfer back to our private hospital so this is what we are aiming for.

Currently we are 31 weeks 4 days so just another 2 weeks and 3 days to try keep her baking! Wish us luck xx ❤️💋

What a day what a day what a scary scary day….

Where to start……

For those who dont like descriptive or graphic tales time to tune out now……ok it isn’t that bad but I’m talking blood and mucus and vaginal discharge so any boys out there you may want to disconnect lol!

Yesterday (Sunday) at 8pm I toddled off to the toilet to discover that I was having some mucus and bloody discharge, quite a lot it seemed. I contacted my student midwife for some advice and we decided ringing the St John of God Labour ward was in order. They were very helpful and heard my history and given the diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes that I have had and my age and weight and that there is pre-term labour history on my side of the family they decided that its better to be safe than sorry and to go in and get monitored. Off we toddled for the 30min drive in to the hospital, after an hour of monitoring there it showed Peanut was all happy and well with a strong and good heart beat she just didnt like the monitor being on and would try wriggle out the way and kick the monitor as well but we got there in the end. It was concerning to them that I had a bit of blood showing up in my urine and also I was getting some semi-intense lower back pain and pelvic tightening every so often so they rang my OB who said it was ok to go home but I had to come in and see her for a proper scan and exam the next day (Monday).

Monday morning I phone the OB and they say come in for 12pm, John was reluctant to head to work and wanted to come with me but I said it’s just a routine check up after last night, Peanuts fine everything will be fine you go to work…..famous last words. The OB does an ultrasound, then an internal ultrasound and then a physical exam and we discover that my cervix is 100% effaced and bubs has moved from head down to laying transverse (cross ways) and has her feet down towards my cervix and the cord is across the cervix. Which is bad if my waters were to break as you get cord prolapse and thats not good and is emergent c-section time if that was to happen. OB suggests that now would be the time to ring John and get him to meet me at specialist womens hospital that can deal with babies pre 34 weeks as I’m only 31 weeks and 2 days and she’s calling me an ambulance to be taken there now! Poor John was in a bit of shock and obviously upset that he was not with me but headed home to get me a bag of clothes and toiletries because of course I had not even begun packing my hospital bag for bubs impending arrival. I headed up to the ward at the private hospital to await the ambulance and be given my first dose of steroids to help bubs thrive a bit faster in case she decided to present herself to the world imminently. Eventually the ambulance came and we took off and I spent a few hours in the assessment ward to work out what was happening, still getting some regular back and pelvic tightening pains but no more than 9mins apart at any given time and they didnt have any cyclic pattern at all. John arrived and brought all my necessities and we eventually have been moved up to the antenatal ward where I will remain on bed rest until this bubs arrives. If we can keep her in until 34 weeks (so another 2 weeks and 5 days) i can head back to my private hospital and OB but if not she’ll just have to be born here but they do have the best special nursery which is good.

We have had some additional monitoring this evening due to some more bleeding and bubs heart rate going a bit speedy at times but everything was ok in the end and she settled down to a more normal rhythm now.

I’m having to start insulin as well which i have just had this evening as my blood glucose levels went a bit heywire the past two days and they will apparently continue to do so with the steroids I’m being given.

So thats where we are at 🙂 fingers crossed for us for a good outcome.

Xx

Quietly contemplating

So here we are…..after lots of deliberation about what was best for me and the baby I finally made the decision to finish up work super earlier than expected and take some time to get me right mentally and physically. This decision was helped along by the fact that last Wednesday I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes and having done some reading I knew the initial monitoring of blood glucose levels and food intake was going to take quite a bit of getting used to and a bit of organisation and focus for me. So Friday was my last day. Mind you juggling my appointments at the moment is almost a full time job with acupuncture, physio, counselling, OB appts and Diabetes education sessions but we do what we need to.

Someone very wise…..ok it was my hubby, has made me really think about how I have been mentally of late with some very wise observations about my usual positive thought patterns having up and left the building. He noted that since finding out I was pregnant I have clung to negatives and only seen the negative in things, and I guess he’s right (damn don’t you hate it when you have to admit they are right). I think I was so scared and anxious of losing this baby and in the back of my mind was always the thought that this is my one and only chance after he and I had agreed to stop trying after March next year, that I would focus on things that went wrong or were potentially going to go wrong. I am now trying to change that mindset but it has been hard, especially with the GDM diagnosis last week. I didn’t expect the reaction I had to that, we’re talking ugly sobbing crying in the OB’s office that was uncontrollable. I felt like I and my body were failing our baby and that it was just another reason to hate my body even more, it also just made me realise there was another ‘risk’ factor that was going to impact my ability to be allowed to try a natural birth and I think I was grieving that. I had also that morning weighed myself and was only 400gms off my highest ever weight so was extremely depressed about that too. I’m sure anyone that has struggled on the weight loss journey for as long as I have will understand the total mind fuck that it is when you are gaining weight and know that yes it’s for the right reasons (ie. pregnancy) and besides eating healthy and exercise there is not a lot in your control, which after years of monitoring the scales for losses it really screws with ya head.

So all of this contributed to my decision to leave work early and focus on me and Bub. 2 days in and it is going well, yesterday I managed to get to the pool and do 20 laps (1kms) and felt great afterwards, albeit slightly chilly as it was only 12 degrees when I got in. I had my physio appointment and managed to finalise this weeks eating plan to try and get my GDM under control and ensure my sugar levels stay under what they should be. Since finding out about the GDM last week I have also lost 2.3kgs which I was surprised at but also just proves what I have always known which is if I focus and meal plan and am organised we stick to healthy eating and weight falls off me.

Today I have been chilling, like literally and figuratively cos it’s frickin cold even with the heater on. But poor hubby was up all night working and when I was getting out of bed he was getting in so I hustled the cat and his bed out of the bedroom in to the family room with me so that I could shut the door and hubby not be disturbed. However I also know how noises in this house travel and so I didn’t to make too much noise and wake him as he was so tired. Baggins had other ideas and didn’t like being locked out away from his Dad and I had to keep hustling him away from the door, he finally gave up and curled up in his bed to sleep, though giving me evil eyes anytime I looked at him. Other than that I’ve napped on the couch or perused Facebook….waiting, waiting, waiting for John to get up so I can start making noise and rearranging the pantry – it has been killing me as I just want to get in and de-clutter that pantry and reorganise it all……hmmm can you say nesting!

Luckily he has now arisen and I can start my de-clutter, but the laying on the couch has most definitely helped my back and cankles which are almost down to non-cankle normal ankle size again which they haven’t been in weeks!

Little Miss Peanut has been heaps more active of late and I love it, my new fave past time is sitting quietly staring at my belly to see alien-esque movements occur. We’ve had a little nightly routine the last few nights at 3am the urge to wee overcomes me and once I’m awake and back in bed it seems so is she and we have little bonding sessions of movements.

Anyways tomorrow is my first true counselling session so shall see how that goes, hopefully it helps me keep trying to find my positive self again.

But for now…..my pantry is calling…TTFN

25 weeks…..

Here’s our little squishy peanut…I think she looks like she has a cheeky grin! This was this week at 24 weeks 4 days, unfortunately the best image we got at our OB appointment though.

So….where have things been at, well I finally made the decision to take the time everyone has recommended and I will be finishing up work on the 26th July (I’ll be 28 weeks at that point). After having a week off work to attend some appointments and work on some stuff in my head I finally made that call after many lengthy discussions with the OB, work and a counsellor and of course John.

I also started my counselling sessions and had some physio as well as did some swimming during the day time when its nice and quiet at the pool and I’m therefore less self conscious. I am looking forward to being able to do hopefully about 3 swims a week once I have finished up work and going during the day when I can avoid the crowds. I found this helped with my back and sleeping quite a bit so am really hanging to get that started, I just can’t go that often whilst working unless it is on the weekends because it is so hard after the travel time to and from work and then I’m super tired and just want to be home have dinner and head to bed.

My Obstetrician has spoken to me about how she doesn’t want to me to feel pressured in to a C-Section when really my weight and age are the only risk factors, I have not had any indicators for pre-eclampsia, I have perfect blood pressure and haven’t been diagnosed with gestational diabetes….mind you after last weeks efforts when it comes to malteasers and my 2nd GD test looming in a week that could still change (ok I know it wont just be because of the malteasers if it does but still….) so anyways she is going to try and speak with the Labour ward at our hospital and see if I can be allowed to try to birth naturally there even though their policy is they will only take you on the labour ward if you are under a 40 BMI and I am about a 51 BMI. I was feeling really positive about this and I hope that she can have some luck as I would really like to try a natural drug free birth.

John and I commenced our Hypnobirthing class last weekend and we have the final class this Sunday and it has really reduced my anxiety around the birth side of things and I will just deal with whatever comes whether that be a c-section or a natural birth – doesn’t mean I wont be disappointed however.

Last Thursday I felt my first actual kick that could not be mistaken for anything else and every now and again there are some more, but not much unfortunately. I honestly want her to keep moving around all the time so I can feel it and have been known to be caught staring at my belly – which prompts John to ask why I’m glaring at it and to which I reply, I am willing her to kick me! I have been trying to do some reading to Peanut every night as I’d like to get through the Harry Potter books by the time she is born and I need to up how many times I am playing the piano to her….as I said to John how will she be a musical genius if I don’t and of course given this is our child she MUST love reading too…..ok Must might be a bit strong but you never know how these things can impact the developing mind and I’m willing to try anything as Music is a big part of my world that I could not live with out and I’d love to foster that in my child as well.

I think I have almost made it a week without tears….oh nope wait Wednesday I had a bawling session about how much weight I have put on. My OB has referred me to a dietician purely because of how much it bothers me as she is not phased by it but I’m only 4 kgs off my heaviest weight ever and that is REALLY messing with my head….however said Malteasers craving last week would not have helped this at all and also the amount of toast I’m eating, I am really liking the carbs at the moment after years of minimising the carbs my body looks at them and gains a kilo.

My biggest and longest ongoing craving has been Milk, cold glasses of milk and it helps with the heartburn so win win! I’ll either have a baby with the strongest bones or have given it lactose intolerance who can say.

I have done a lot of thinking about why I have been so anxious and I think there are a culmination of things at play. Firstly how long it took us to fall pregnant – 13 years is just quite an unbelievable amount of time for us to still think we were going to be parents and I think deep down we had this thought that it would never happen, so when it did we were in shock. Secondly I have grown up having lost a sister to Group B Strep something like 36 hrs post birth, as a family we were always involved in the Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support (SANDS) group and then later when Mum worked at SIDS as well I was heavily involved in supporting things around that so we had many family friends and still do who have lost babies in their lives and knowing their stories I think kept playing on my mind the what ifs and what could happen….sometimes too much knowledge is not necessarily a good thing when you are an over thinker. Anyways after feeling my first actual kick and then having some movement sensations I have been feeling a bit more relaxed about it but still have that underlying fear which I am trying to work on. It has helped it seem more real when I get a new ultrasound every fortnight I tend to then keep that near me for the fortnight, taking it work or having it on the table at night when I’m playing on the iPad or facebook and I look at it regularly and it seems more real.

My impatience is starting to kick in again and I just want to meet this little bubba, I think once she comes I’ll be hard pressed to put her down and can’t wait for those baby snuggles – damn made myself cry again.

Anyways that is where we are at for now. Hope all are well and happy 😊

An Update

I’ve hesitated on writing so many times over the past 3 weeks and really was not going to share all of this in this format but then I realised, that also might be doing me more harm than good and I have never censored myself before so really why start now?

Maybe part of my process to make things better needs to get all this crap out of my head, this I have found in the past is quite cathartic and helps me get out of my own head and stop obsessing on the thoughts that are causing me grief. So I suppose here goes nothing…..

I have always considered myself quite an emotionally resilient person however the past few weeks have proven that pregnancy hormones have turned that on its head. I’m struggling with anxiety it seems and it’s like the things that prompt the anxiety keep evolving and changing. So I’m not sure when I became aware of the anxiety but it presents it self quite often as uncontrollable crying and I have then done lots of thinking about what is going on in my head. Firstly it was a fear that I’m not bonding with Peanut, like I’m scared to…it was I believe a protective measure after 13 years of trying for a baby it still does not feel real and I just had this overwhelming fear that it was all going to be ripped away from me at any moment, and therefore I was scared to get too attached. Then I started to feel what I am assuming might be slight feelings of some sort of movement but being so fat with an anterior placenta it’s hard to tell for sure so then I got SUPER angry at myself about my weight…that part at least has stuck and does not seem to be going away. I would then cycle through to anger at the hospital for not letting me have a natural delivery due to my weight which again would manifest to anger at myself for causing that issue. This would lead to anxiety about my Obstetrician being away between the 1st and 11th October right before my due date and what happens if I go in to labour then and she’s not here to advocate on my behalf to keep me at St Johns and they try and send me to KEMH. The biggest things causing me anxiety are all revolving around my weight and my anger at myself for being in the position that it does impact and reduces my options with things.

So this all came to a bit of a head where I ended up crying at work almost constantly for about 4 hrs 2 weeks ago till I finally went home, I emailed my OB as I had spoken to her a bit about it earlier that week at my appointment and she had suggested a referral to some antenatal counselling, which I decided I should take her up on. I went to the GP and got a mental health plan in place and set up an appointment with Raphael services. Since they have phoned me back and made the appointment I have felt slightly better and have been noticeably less teary. However the appointment is not till next week so we shall wait and see how that goes.

One of the biggest factors that impact all of this is my coping ability on the days that I have not slept well, which unfortunately is most nights. I’m averaging between 3-5hrs sleep a night due to not being comfortable due to my lower back and neck being painful, I can’t get my combination of pillows right, I literally have 8 pillows that live on the floor next to my bed so each night I try different combos and even part way through the night change them if needed. This is of course on top of the multiple trips to the loo! Everyone says it’s just preparing me for having a child and I get that but what you also have to understand is that I’m a 40 year old that has NEVER had sleep issues before – it’s going to take some time to adjust to. Currently I get my best sleep in the car on the off days John drives me in to work when I have a nice 50min sleep, I haven’t been able to convince him to drive me around for 8 hours a night though for some reason lol.

I think things will definitely change for the better once I can feel definite movements as that will cement it as real for me but currently it still feels surreal and like maybe I’m dreaming. I got really bummed at our 20 week scan as we didn’t get any real clear scan pics to take with us and this then made me blame myself again for being too fat. My OB has helped this a bit today as she did a nice 3D one for us of Peanut’s face, which is the one above.

People keep asking about if any of the fear or anxiety is about the after birth period once she’s here, it’s honestly not, I have not built up any expectations about that period except that I will breastfeed and do EVERYTHING in my power to make that happen and persevere to make it work and that I will use cloth nappies. It gets quite offensive when you say this about the nappies to people and they go ‘oh we’ll see how long that lasts’ I really want to tell them to fuck off in those instances. This is a choice both John and I have made and intend to follow through with, the biggest issue is finding the right fit for the child with all the choices in Modern cloth nappies nowadays….though I am going to get some of the old style terry flats too. I was pleasantly surprised when i was looking up how to fold them that it all came flooding back from when I was nine and we used to fold them for my baby brother.

So I have not really had any cravings as such until the last 2 weeks when I can’t get enough cold milk, seriously if this child comes out lactose intolerant I’d be so surprised or convinced I’d overdosed it in the womb. Other than that John and I had booked in his knee replacement but have decided with my mental health the way it is currently that July was not a good time to be doing that and that we’d put it off for maybe 6-12 months when I can look after him better. We’ve also now got all our big purchases done for Peanut, cot, change table, pram, car seat, set of drawers and now it just the little things to finish up….oh cept for a nursery chair which John is going to splurge and buy me a new one (we were looking at second hand ones for ages but couldn’t find one we liked). We’ve painted 3 out of 4 of the walls in the baby’s room so once that last wall is done and dried I can fully clean in there and start moving all the furniture in, which also might make things a bit more real for me.

I’ve fallen in love with Bare and BoHo nappies they are just soooo cute….most of my stash of 19 nappies is second hand but I have splurged and bought the one below new as I loved the pattern and I have some new Bubblebubs newborn nappies coming too! There are so many cute choices I could get a bit addicted and be doing secret Afterpay purchases of nappies in the near future – shhhh don’t tell John…..oh damn he reads these!

Anyways we are at 22weeks 4 days today but the below was taken at 22 weeks….I was anti bump pics for me as I just feel like I look like a whale but I also recognised this is probably my only chance and I should document it so here we go, apparently today Bub is measuring 6 days ahead – gosh I hope she ain’t going to be huge!!

So that’s where I’m at and hopefully I’ll be feeling a bit more positive and happier over the next week now that I am taking some steps to get some help with it all.

😘

Emotions gone wild

I haven’t written for some time, which could be the reason I’m having an out-pouring of emotions today, well that and the whole pregnancy hormones probably.

I’m feeling a bit of a sook today and many different, probably irrational thoughts keep causing the tears. First it was the fact that I don’t feel I have a traditional ‘baby bump’ like all the skinny people and I just feel fat. Then it was the realisation that I have never cried at any of our ultrasounds (you know like happy tears) and then that led to does that mean I’m not bonding with the baby and I still have this fear that everything will be ripped away from me so I am scared to show joy about it or something…..see what I mean totes nuts!

Next was the panic that I’m 19 weeks today and that only leaves 21 weeks to do so much to prepare and then I get overwhelmed and do nothing.

Probably doesn’t help that it has been a pretty shite week and a bit….where to start:

So the Thursday a week and a bit abit ago I had 4 days left till I was back at work from my holidays and so many plans to get lots organised around the house. Instead illness in the form of really bad colds struck John and I down and we were couch or bed bound the whole four days that I had left. Of course this annoyed me as I wanted to do all these things before returning to work and didn’t get any of it done. Come Monday I returned to work and Wednesday morning I woke with really swollen ankles which just got worse and worse and moved up my calf by the end of the day. That night was the worst and I only got about 3 hrs sleep as the swelling was causing heaps of pain in my ankles (mainly my left) and it also extended up my calf and behind my knee. Besides this I woke every hour to massive leg and ankle/feet cramps. At one point I did have a brief DVT worry thinking hmmm could this be something more sinister than pregnancy swelling and so I emailed my OB. She advised that she was not working on Friday but she would like me to go and get it checked at the GP if I could and get a DVT scan just to be safe. So that was my Friday, didn’t even make it through a full week of work 😦 and spent the day at the GP and getting scanned with a massive headache and still with the remains of the my cold #notfun

On the flip side I did finally work out the dates for my Maternity leave and caved and decided to start it at 6 weeks before – unlike my initial desire to work as close to the date as possible. This would mean I only have 14 weeks of work left which seems a bit surreal.

Poor John had to make the decision to have his full knee replacement as he wants to be able to be mobile with the baby and have recovered enough before it is born so Knee-day will be the 16th July which is scarily close. I admire his bravery even though I know deep down he’s shitting himself and quite worried about it. This will give him 12 weeks to recover and do rehab etc before the baby is born. Fingers crossed its enough.

I managed to get him in to Baby Bunting the other day to check out car seats and prams and I think we are both too overwhelmed and don’t know what we are looking for, we walked out deciding to put it off a bit longer till there is some end of financial year sales – guess I better start doing some research on it all. There is just so much choice, it also was quite funny how unco I am at putting prams up and down….this shall be an interesting learning experience, as long as I remember to take the baby out first we should be fine.

This last 14 weeks if anything has proven even more to me the wonderful husband I have by my side. He puts me first and looks after me and is so caring, I have been truly blessed. Yes we have our ups and downs but he is my rock, my best friend and I couldn’t imagine this life without him. I read so many horrible stories about partners out there who are so unsupportive and I feel so sad for those ladies. Everyone deserves to be treated like they are special and I am so lucky to have him and I can’t wait to share that wonderful person with this bubba.

Anyways I wasn’t going to share ‘bump’ pics as they just look like fat pics to me but everyone already knows I’m fat its not like that is a secret so here is week 19’s supposed ‘bump’ pic…..scuse the unbrushed hair I was just outta the shower.

Hope all are well 🙂

Holidays, Holidays and more Holidays!

We’ve had a beautiful 16 days in Sydney, getting to relax and explore in equal amounts depending on how I was feeling on any given day. The highlight was definitely the b’day dinner we had with my bestie who is also turning 40 this year. As her b’day is in May we decided to celebrate both together with a flash dinner that my gorgeous Mum took us out for. We went to Cafe Sydney and had a divine meal:

Starting with some Naan bread (plain, garlic, goats cheese and spinach and caramelised onion)

Next were entrees with a Poached prawn, spanner crab, avocado cream, fennel, prawn mayonnaise, crouton and lemon dish for me and a Black market beef carpaccio, truffle dressing, baby rocket, Parmesan, caper and aioli for John:

Next were mains with the BEST Ricotta gnocchi, pumpkin cream, mushroom, sage butter and Parmesan dish for me and Roasted pork belly loin, black pudding, bacon, peach, prune purée with hazelnut praline for John:

We finally finished our meal with yummy dessert which we both had a Salted caramel chocolate peanut tart with banana fritter and chocolate ice cream the only difference being mine had a Happy Birthday message on it:

The view from this restaurant is amazing and it was a special night with special friends and family.

So after our lovely time in Sydney we returned home for a brief few nights in which the pussy cat was a big sook begging us not to leave him again (don’t worry we had someone looking after him and the house 🙂 ) but we were off to Dongara camping in our new camper trailer – which is where this update comes to you from.

Our new set up is really good and I love our kitchen as it is really easy to use to prep and cook meals. I even made sushi today!

The caravan park we are staying at we had a few years there where we used to come with a lot of friends and their kids and it was a bit of a drunken holiday and hectic with more kids and adults due to it being the school holidays, we are now here in non school holidays and it is peaceful…in fact I’d be comfortable saying John and I are the youngest in the caravan park at the moment lol!

It is such an awesome caravan park with grassed sites, en-suite toilet and shower block for every site and its literally a 10 metre walk to the beach where you can swim, fish or just wander. I seriously want my family to consider us starting a new tradition in a few years where we maybe come here for holidays once a year.

Whilst all this has been going on my brother next down from me and his wife have also announced that they are pregnant due 8 days after me! It will be awesome to have cousins born around the same time and hopefully growing up together!

On that front I have decided I don’t like the 2nd trimester part where everything sort of settles down but it’s before you can feel the baby move. I am starting to get that worry again and the need to see that the baby is ok and hear its heartbeat again. Luckily I have my next OB appointment next Monday and I shall be able to see my little peanut again. I had to have my Gestational Diabetes test on the day after returning from Sydney (I was exactly 15 weeks), I was super worried about it both about the GD and about the icky stuff they make you drink but seriously it wasn’t that bad, just like super sweet lemonade which you could just skull down and be done with it. I have decided however that I do seem to have an iron stomach and not much makes me want to puke and in fact there isn’t really anything that has ever made me puke….well cept excessive consumption of alcohol. They took blood tests at the start, 1hr in and 2hrs in. My OB is awesome and rang me yesterday with the results even though she knows I’m coming in on Monday because as she put it she thought I’d want to know so I could enjoy my holiday. So the results were:

Fasting level 4.3

1hr in 8.4

2hrs in 4.6

Apparently this was all really awesome and low and normal and I don’t have GD which is great news! I think I have to test again at around 28 weeks though but hey whatever is needed!

Monday we are starting the Michelle Bridges 12WBT again but doing the pregnancy program to have some structure to our meals and exercises that are safe to do during pregnancy so this will hopefully help me lose some weight, I know my OB has said she’d be happy to see me just maintain but I have put on 5kgs since falling pregnant so I’d like to at least lose those kgs. I’m feeling like a big blob at the moment and would love to claim its baby but being overweight already you just cant seem to tell how much of my bloat at the moment is baby and how much is just my fat belly. I know when I lay on my back I can feel a bit of a hard lump but no one could really tell from looking at me they would just think it’s fat! It does make me a bit sad but it’s my own fault and you know what I sorta almost am at the point where I don’t care it is hard though especially as all the skinny biatches post up their cute little bumps on the facebook preggers groups I’m on. Anyways moving on…….

So thats where we are at, me with another 20 days holidays to go and once home these will be filled with sorting out the nursery!

Oh in other news Mum and Dad bought me the most beautiful Harmony Ball for my b’day and I’m so in love with it I want to wear it all the time. It took all my restraint to not bring it camping with me as I just wanted to keep it home safe but really also wanted to wear it 100% of the time….here’s a pic:

Anyways thats enough waffle from me for now! Hope everyone is keeping well and not catching any of these nasty bugs that seem to be going around!

Xx 💋

Raging hormones….beware!

Wow its been almost a month between posts, time flies when you are having fun hey! So as you can see above we got a cute little alienesque picture of our Peanut at week 12, John is however now calling it Spud as potato seems to be my go to food at the moment when I am feeling icky so we keep saying its going to come out looking like a potato at this rate! Our week 12 Nuchal Translucency scan came back very low risk for Downs and the other 2 Trisomies that it checks for which was great as on paper based on age, weight etc. the downs risk was 1:84 but once we had the blood tests and scans it came back at very very low! The scan was awesome and the best part was seeing little peanut jumping off the amniotic sac it seemed going from a curled up fetal position to fully stretched out twice!

So we are now at 13 weeks 3 days and have made our way over to Sydney for our holiday. Mum and Dad have taken off on the cruise we were meant to be on for my 40th and we are staying here in the hotel waiting their return. The plan was to chill out for this week and do a few little touristy things but it has been hard to do anything as I’ve been a bit of a hormonal mess this week. I also had a horrible headache for 3 days which stopped us from doing much at all besides eventually venturing out each afternoon for lunch. We have had a trip to the Powerhouse Museum to see the Star Wars exhibit which was really cool and we got to create our own Star Wars characters (pics below of mine – the ewok and Johns the Wookiee) and today we are going to trek to Centrepoint shopping centre for some browsing of the shops – apparently for my b’day present as John doesn’t know what to get me and I don’t know what to suggest to him.

I can’t believe the things that make me cry at the moment, it does not take much. Yesterday I fully bawled my eyes out because I was missing our cat Baggins, well it started as I felt bad that we had been cooped up because of my headaches for a few days and then turned in to I’m homesick and miss my cat. Today I got teary over the Notre Dame fire firstly and then was watching a clip from Endless Summer performing When you say nothing at all which the Ronan Keating version is John and my song so cried at that too.

When battling infertility it becomes extremely frustrating seeing people complain about what they are going through in pregnancy, so I want to make it very clear that I am not complaining but more documenting my journey. I am actually finding it quite fascinating at times the changes that your body goes through during this journey and how quickly things have changed. Things like I was a person who never had issues sleeping I could sleep anywhere anytime. Now I dread bed time almost because it involves so much tossing and turning from side to side because I have been a back sleeper for quite some time now and am paranoid about sleeping on my back whilst pregnant. It also involves at least 2 if not more journeys to the toilet throughout the night….all of which frustrates a person who used to fall asleep and not wake up again till the alarm went off. However on the flip side there has been a night or two where I only got up once to the toilet and slept quite soundly and these nights then induced panic about was the baby ok, why had I not gotten up multiple times etc.

One of the most fascinating things I have observed makes me laugh because who knew that a nipple going rock hard all of sudden could actually be painful and the fact that it happens randomly due to no external influencing factors cracks me up. It’s like ‘oh shit! Ouch ok so your re poking out again are you!’ You really need to invest in some padded bras to hide that shit.

Anyways, so I am now on my 6 weeks holidays and we are in Sydney for 16 days of that. Hopefully once Mum and Dad get off the boat on Friday we will do a bit more and I’ll have a bit more energy. Poor John today is struggling with a sore shoulder from sleeping funny, it’s always a struggle when not in your own bed.

I think we are planning on doing things like Madam Tussauds, maybe the Easter show and we have a nice dinner booked at Cafe Sydney on a night next week to celebrate mine and one of my best friends 40th. We are planning on a ferry ride out to Manly for lunch on my actual birthday this week as well.

I also look forward to when we are back home as I’ll be sorting our the baby’s room and emptying it out ready for us to repaint and fix up some cracking. We are struggling with what colours to paint and we were going to go with a Penguin theme as John and I love Penguins, but we are unsure whether to do a colour on the walls and some wallpaper borders/murals or get someone to paint a scene on the wall etc.

Anyways that’s all from me for now, time to get showered and ready to try venture out shopping!

Xx