78 Days and counting….

I am really getting excited about my cruise for my 40th now! Today’s excitement was prompted by receiving an email that my passport is finalised and on its way to me. 40 years it’s taken me to need to get a passport – yep never been out of Oz! This will be my first foray overseas and although its just to the South Pacific islands it’s still outside of Australia for the first time.

So in the lead up to said cruise we are doing another round of Changing Habits and I’m down 6.6kgs in the past 8 days, which I am definitely stoked with. I can see it instantly in my face now days when I start losing weight, which is good….the less double chins the better. I wish I could bottle the feeling of energy and wellness you start to get in week two of this protocol, John’s reported his knee is not as sore too, but it’s like you have to hold on to that feeling desperately so that temptation does not win in times of weakness. I have also decided in the lead up to start growing my nails, I’m a chronic nail biter, and since the new year I have remained strong and they are now getting to a nice length and don’t look like the nails of a biter. I have to however have them painted with a strengthener and put some time aside each weekend to take it off, file them to ensure no jagged bits and then reapply…one little scratchy bit and it would be in my mouth and ripped off in an instant. It probably also helps that work is keeping me busy that I have no time for nail biting.

I’ve recently been thinking quite deeply about addictions, probably initiated by a friends recent struggle in respect of meth and reflecting on how illicit drug addictions are judged harsher in general than things like addiction to alcohol, cigarettes or food. I think all of these things can be hugely life impacting in various degrees and ALL have the element of intentional self harm whether it be on a conscious or sub-conscious level. Is it fair that we look at the destruction that an illicit drug can cause differently to these other things? Take food in my case, a serious emotional eater who can binge at times depending on what my ‘feelings’ are and who does so without care at that moment in time for consequences or the impact on my body and the damage that behaviour is doing. Take someone who drinks a bottle of wine a night how is that acceptable compared to other drugs? Why is it judged more ‘normal’? On reflection of how we as a group approached said friend to try and help, I realise that of that same group of friends almost all of us could also have been approached regarding addictive behaviours be it to food, alcohol or cigarettes as well. But yet we don’t think of doing that do we? I just find it quite intriguing on retrospect. I always have said I have an addictive personality however as the years have passed since giving up smoking, that was truly my only addiction besides food and the food thing is totally a self harm thing I know this and am addressing this in my way, I think it is more an obsessive personality. I become obsessed with things for short periods and they are, during that time, all encompassing. I also know that I hate to lose control and even when I have had big night in the past and drunk too much I obsess the next day replaying what I can remember in my head about what I might have said or done. The benefit of this has been that I have never really been attracted to even try any illicit drugs, the irony of this being that it was due to not wanting to be controlled by a substance or let something control me yet for many years I let cigarettes do that. On that note I’m 2 days passed it being 3 years since quitting! Yay!!

Sorry went on a bit of a tangent there with no clear purpose cept to remove the brain waves from my head 😳

Right on to other matters….we recently started a bookclub, technically the book above is our second mind you we have not yet met to discuss the first book due to unavoidable circumstances prior to Christmas. So we began the above book and we had 6 odd weeks to read it which is very quickly coming to an end. It has taken me so long to get in to and you really have to get past page about 150 before it starts to grip you but OMG I’m now up to page 362 and really have to force myself to put it down, I probably shouldn’t take it out of my bag at work as it sits on my desk beckoning me ‘come on read me, just one page’………It’s quite a different style of writing from many different perspectives following the lives of four college friends and so far I highly recommend it but also note it has some really confronting themes around abuse so if that’s not for you then probably avoid having a read. It took quite some time for me to get the characters straight in my head and I think this is due to the jumping around from perspective to perspective. Anyways worth a read if your into a real gritty book.

On other news I am really getting back in to my piano playing but quite often forget the time and realise I should stop playing, especially on the nights we have all the windows open and it’s like 9pm!! Oops!! I’ve also been drawing heaps using Amaziograph which sorta isn’t really drawing as it duplicates what you draw in sections and repeats them but it’s cathartic! I’ve put some of my designs below 😊

If you’ve made it this far in my waffle I admire your perseverance and hope that you too are kicking goals this year!

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The mind is a powerful tool that can be used for good and evil!

I think that I have finally realised that the main thing that has held me back in life and certainly in the starting of a family is fear. I fear many things that are not reasonable to fear and in itself at times you could see that fear as my lack of confidence in things. This in itself is bizarre as I am very good at putting on the confidence hat when it comes to things like work or things I consider myself good at (communicating for instance) but then when it comes to me personally I have zero confidence and get self conscious more often than not. Generally this is in relation to body image and having zero positive things to say about myself. An example is that I feel very self conscious getting on the train when there lots of school kids on the train but realistically I have to remind myself who cares what they think they probably are not even seeing others on the train or paying attention to the people around them….but I digress.

So the mind is a powerful thing is the summary of that tangent and mind has developed a very powerful tool of procrastination as a form of protective apathy. I have put off things like seeking alternative medical opinions or specialist appointments for fear of being fat shamed, which I hate to say it for those ‘non-fat’ readers out there happens in the medical profession ALL THE TIME. True it is in the guise of ‘it’s in your best interest that I am saying this’ but going to see any kind of doctor you know that your weight will be brought up – shit even my podiatrist made mention when fitting me for orthotics years ago. It’s caused me so much angst over the years and has bestowed this apathetic approach to wanting to attend any appointments with people in the medical profession. It’s like you have to go prepared with the ‘no I don’t wish to have bariatric surgery’, ‘yes I have tried to lose weight’, ‘what I have tried well there’s Tony Ferguson, Weight Watchers, Dr Cohens, Ketosis diets, Lite n Easy, Bodytrim, Changing Habits to name a few along with going to the gym and walking’. The one time I agreed to go to a dietician they basically tried to get me to buy a plate showing portion control (ie have this much salad, this much protein, this much carbs each meal) and showed me the ‘old’ food pyramid you know the one with all the grains and carbs at the bottom! I was like hello little 21 year old skinny dietician I look at a carb and gain 2 kgs so don’t tell me to bulk up my diet with grains for fucks sake! You actually do go in to mental preparation every time.

My point, my point is I procrastinate about going to doctors or booking in with specialist because I think I’ll just wait until I weigh a little less maybe then I won’t have to go through it all again. But that day never seems to come the ‘less’ is never as low as you want it to be and inevitably you have to go for some reason or another. Rather than strengthening my mind and arguing the point about coming for true medical care and not a lecture about my weight I instead come home, cry, my self esteem decreases even more and my desire to ever go back to a doctor decreases again. Going forward I need to just think bugger it you are not stopping me from seeking the medical answers and assistance I need – but it’s hard to change and it doesn’t happen over-night. However John and I had said that this was the year of no procrastination and developing a just do it kind of attitude so I have grabbed the bull by the horns and gotten a referral to a Reproductive Endocrinologist – finally, its only been 13 years since I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism and its still not really under control.

I have to laugh however as I have now found a GP that is really supportive and keen to refer me wherever I need and she was the one to put me on metformin and did the tracking cycle but omg she is a bit ditzy at times. We literally just went through my recent blood test and she was like ‘excellent sugar levels are great you don’t have diabetes and insulin resistance has reduced right down on the metformin’ and then I mentioned wanting to go to a RE and so she started writing the referral and I’ve walked out of there and got home and read the actual referral and she’s written on there (1) that i have Hashimotos (this has never been diagnosed just that i have auto immune thyroid disease which I know is same same but when I specifically asked my previous doctor who diagnosed the hypothyroidism if it was Hashimotos she said no it was just an under active thyroid…so to be honest hasimotos is probably right but it just had not been put to me that way before) and (2) that i have diabetes….um we just talked about this and I specifically do not have diabetes and the only thing i do have is insulin resistance and to give you the idea fasting insulin should be below 10 and between 10-14 is an indicator of insulin resistance and mine is smack bang on 10 so only just there and heading down based on the trend of my last few results. So she seems to be a good doctor but I really have to make sure we finish one conversation and I don’t distract – a few weeks ago I went specifically for a thyroxine script and walked away without it and had to run back when I got to the chemist and realised she hadn’t given it to me, this was purely due to us getting chatty about Christmas! So the takeaway for me there is don’t distract her!

2019 is shaping up that we are living up to our just do it philosophy and not putting things off – lets hope it continues.

In other news we have commenced a new round of Changing Habits and I am determined to make this the one that sticks so I am refusing any social engagements that involve food – except for one and that is my brothers post wedding party when they return from their honeymoon, however we will be sticking to protocol and not eating or drinking there that night except for pre-made protocol friendly food that I will take with me. Today is only Phase 2 day 2 and detox symptoms have been BAD, like headaches and hunger pangs but I dropped 2.9kgs between day 1 and 2 so that’s a good kickstart and generally helps with motivation to get through the detox effects.

One of my gorgeous friends has literally just had a baby like on Saturday just gone and this has been a prompt for me to finally go and get my Whooping cough vaccine which I have been meaning to do for AGES and I really left it too late as now I have to wait 2 weeks to meet the little bubba. I have found this birth announcement different in respect of my emotions which has been refreshing. Maybe I’m just resigned to it after 12 years who knows lol but it has actually filled my heart with a lot of Joy and a True desire to go and see this little bubba. I have a deep yearning for some cuddles from a Bub and if it can’t be my own then I think I have finally come to the realisation that I should embrace the joy in others children. Previously I have really avoided seeing friends babies more than I had to just because I was protecting myself and I really have this honest desire not to do that this time. Maybe this is preparing me for the hopeful inevitability of nieces and nephews in my future who knows. I can’t promise I won’t cry when I hold someone’s baby, in fact I can’t promise that I’m not crying whilst writing this 😒but know that it is happy tears for the person concerned in conjunction with sad tears for me.

I’ve found some of the forums that I am on about infertility to really annoy me lately as there have been things on there about people seeing birth announcements or pregnancy announcements and taking offence to them and I keep thinking people it’s not all about you. Yes I know it can be sad for us that are struggling however we should be happy for that person. Some of the comments have really seemed like the person thinks that the way it was announced or told to them was not appropriate and the person should have considered them first etc. I am just like WTF people get over yourselves it’s nothing to do with you and they have every reason to feel joyful and want to share that with the world. Maybe living through over 12 years of other peoples announcement has meant I’m not as affected or I have my cry in private and then focus on them not me who knows. We all just need a bit of perspective at times.

So many tangents – ahh these are the days of my mind………

Anyways if you made it this far thanks for reading the purging of my warped mind and have a great Wednesday!

A poem to my partner in crime….

To my darling Valentine πŸ’•

Gosh I hope you’ll always be mine

You’re always there to put up with my shit πŸ’©

Generally only whingeing a little bit

Your hugs are snuggly and warm, I feel safe

When I’m grumpy you try not to let it chafe 😈

You are my rock

You wash my socks 🧦

If I wanted it, you’d buy me a wok

You make me feel like a queen πŸ‘ΈπŸ»

Doing the laundry and keeping the garden green

There’s so much you do for me daily, it can’t all be put in a list

So I’ll seal this poem with a loving Kiss πŸ’‹

As well as acknowledgment that you are my knight

Even if we sometimes fight

John I couldn’t do this without you

I love and cherish and never doubt you. πŸ’•

Just a little something to my darling hubby who I’m sure at times feels under appreciated – Love you sweetie 😘❀️

A cautionary note to self……

Dear Future Janelle…..

Don’t ever again, never ever ever go shopping on day 1 with PMS AND when you are hungry.

So self if you are reading this you have made it through another Bloody month (pun totally intended) and you need to remember the stupidity of what you have done today.

Really truly stupid move….like would those crackers, assorted cheeses and dip really have ended up in the trolley if you had gone shopping next week…..probably not. I don’t care that they ‘were on special’…..step away from the chocolates…….GET OUT OF THE CHEESE AISLE………..NOW!

We don’t care that this day is fraught with emotions EVERY FUCKING MONTH, like oh yay not pregnant again joy…….you will never get pregnant giving in to these urges and whims.

However now the mistake has been made said contraband is in the house, you don’t start protocol till the 13th so enjoy your cheeses – Hell add some wine – tomorrow is a new day and we shall go to the gym.

PS. NEVER EVER buy Bread again it does not love you like you love it, break up with it, tell it to hit the road and learn to live with out it…I know you can so just frickin do it!

πŸ’‹

Love Me

The year of the dreaded 4-0

So it’s finally come that dreaded year in which I have to turn 40, yep have to ….apparently there’s no choice. I even heard some 69 year old in Europe somewhere recently tried to legally change his age like you would a name….he did not get away with it. Guess that means there’s literally no hope for me and it will and has to happen. Doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.

I can remember being 13 at my Mum’s 40th, she had a big party at our house…someone bought her some REALLY naughty chocolates it may have been my Aunty I can’t quite remember that part but I do remember my 4 year old brother really wanting to eat the breast ones – to be fair he was only like 2 years on from having to give up the boob so it probably bought back memories of comfort for him. There were big penis’s and couples in various poses of ‘love making’. It’s funny the things that stand out and are remembered. The point however to this tangent was that I was at my mum’s and my dad’s 40th Birthday parties and I was 13. I’ll never have a child of mine at my 40th – and that makes me feel both a bit old and a bit sad.

I’ve sat down a few times over the last four weeks to write and just couldn’t as I felt I keep writing the same shit on a different day. So I’d change my mind and keep plodding along day to day keeping all my angst and sadness bottled up. It’s at the point now where my focus needs to be on the future and to stop focussing on the what if’s that I just don’t know if they will or wont eventuate. But just writing that doesn’t make it a walk in the park. I’m still trying to figure out what it actually means. Hubby and I know for sure that it means some changes to the way we live our life and we have decided that our motto this year will be ‘No more excuses or procrastination! Stop allowing your days to be stolen by busy nothingness’….I even have it written up on my chalkboard so we see it EVERY DAY.

Today I found myself repeating ‘don’t be lazy, just do it’ in my head a lot once I got home. Things like looking after me when things aren’t right and the example today was a massive split in my heel that has made walking painful all day. On the way home I thought I should come home and soak it and put something on it but by the time I got home and walked in the door I very nearly thought ‘nope just go have a nice sit on the comfy lounge and put your feet up’. But then the ‘don’t be lazy, just do it’ popped in to my mind and off I went to research the best oils to put in a bucket of warm water to soak my sore feet and also made up a roller of FCO and oils to rub on my heals and guess what’s feeling a little better? Yep the heel!

So there you have it just like the saying ‘crime doesn’t pay’ well neither does laziness – time to make that a distant memory.

Let’s talk about Christmas.

I was quite emotional this Christmas Day – to be honest for the few weeks leading up to it as well. It is hard when it’s a period that brings delight to young hearts and minds and you are wanting more than anything to have a little person to share the specialness of the day with. I have had a tradition for quite a few years now (because you all know I’m a big kid at heart) where I sit and watch the 3 The Santa Clause movies over a period of days during the lead up to Christmas. Although I still did this this year, I watched the first the night John was in hospital after his Arthroscope on his knee and ended up bawling in tears. This had made me decide that I wasn’t going to watch the other two this year but fatefully they were on TV on nights we just happened to flick over to them and so I caved and watched them. Although I didn’t bawl like the first one I did just have an empty feeling. It’s a tradition I would love to share with a child of my own and even John admitted he’s grown to like sitting there watching them with me during the Chrissy period even though he is not a huge fan of Christmas.

So all up Christmas Day was enjoyable as it was spent with my family, albeit a smaller contingent of it this year due to 2 being off on their honeymoon and another 1 meeting her relatively newish partners family in Tassie for Chrissy. Really spending time with my family is what its all about for me and I enjoy that part of the day.

On other exciting news my brother got married on the 6th of December, it was a small intimate wedding of only 16 guests but just so appropriate for them both and such a lovely afternoon and evening. Although having to go to work on the Friday (the wedding was a Thursday) with a HUGE hangover was not the most fun πŸ™‚

They are now off exploring the USA for 6 weeks on their honeymoon!

Right well where to from here for this year?

I always felt making New Years resolution was a bit wanky and therefore I never really did. It could just be that I didn’t want to commit to something that after 2 weeks would probably be a long forgotten memory.

This year although I’m not making ‘resolutions’ as such I am determined to make some really positive changes in our lives and start actually living them. We need to stop waiting for life to happen and letting our lives revolve around having or not having children and instead enjoy our time in the moment. Do more things together and enjoy our life, get out and stop making it about work all the time and start working to live not living to work. Who knows what this will look like exactly but the first step is not being Lazy….do….do…do and keep doing.

……but I’m also keen to stop biting my nails which I have done so far since my brothers wedding and they are slowly growing – yay go me! (Totes off topic but a side bar)

And…….on the 20th it will be 3 years since I quit smoking! I am loving not being a smoker and I truly cannot ever imagine going back to it. I am really proud of that and I don’t usually get proud of things I do so thats a small win πŸ™‚

Well it’s time I stop blabbering on and get ready for bed!

Peace out thanks for reading and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Reflections in the Mirror

Have you ever just stood and stared into your own eyes in the mirror? Like really looked into them. It fascinates me that we seem to go through life not really seeing ourselves properly. We see the perception and sometimes not the reality. It’s like what I’ve written about before when I’ll get all dressed up for something and look in the mirror and think yep that looks ok (because I NEVER think I look good) and then later see a picture of myself and think ‘oh my fucking god who let me out of the house like that’. So which is the reality, the reflection in the mirror or the picture? I personally think its the picture as that is what others see but the reflection is warped by your own perceptions about yourself. Maybe it’s your mind protecting yourself from your true reality – who knows. But it intrigues me this theory of dichotomy’s of self perception.

That was slightly deep for almost 9pm on a Thursday night…..

I’m not sure why I’m writing tonight I just felt the urge to type some words on a page. Sometimes I think maybe I should try write a book – fiction of course – but I don’t even know where to start. And realistically what would I write about.

My writing serves two functions, it allows me to vent my emotions in a space that is mine and that is also a place where I can swear if I wish and purge all the crappiness that I feel from time to time and secondly I wanted to help others who might be going through similar stuff. I don’t know if it does that but I honestly hope it does. I have tried many searches to no avail to find something like a facebook group or and online forum or a support group of some sort for Australian women suffering from infertility who are overweight – do you think I can find anything – NOPE. It’s been all very well and good joining some of the infertility support groups on FaceAche but a lot of them are 98% of the time filled up with their IVF journeys and ‘I’m 8DPO (apparently that is 8 days post ovulation) and waiting to test and I just cant wait so I did a HPT (home pregnancy test) and here it is {insert pic of test} can you see the line is there one I think I can slightly see one’……I end up wanting to scream – ‘ THERE IS NO FUCKING LINE STOP TORTURING YOURSELF AND JUST WAIT, I MEAN YOU’VE WAITED THIS FRICKIN LONG WHATS ANOTHER TWO WEEKS FOR FUCKS SAKE!’

You also seem to need to learn a whole other language and abbreviation set, between OPK, HPT, DPO, TTC, ICSI, IUI – Lordy Lordy what have we created!!!

It is really hard not to become jaded with these poor other ladies who are also just trying to become mums but some of them are quite frustrating at times…. but I digress…

So basically I have not been able to find a group that I feel comfortable in and that there are others in a similar situation to myself so if you know of any let me know.

I think that keeping busy and being super engaged in work help me not be as sad. I have found this week in my new role that I have been able to totally get out of my own head about this all and focus on work – mind you I have been doing crazy long hours and just coming home making dinner, prepping food for the next day and doing dishes then falling in to bed ready for the next morning’s 4.30am wake up! But I’m feeling really happy with work at the moment and this is keeping the sadness away for now.

Anyways I’m off to Brisbane for work next week for a couple of days and this of course brings up the usual anxiety about flying. Ive been desperately getting back on track with our Changing Habits protocol successfully this week hitting the 11kgs lost over the last 31 days and hoping for a bit more before I have to board the plane on Tuesday. It’s funny people think I hate flying and that is probably what I have put out there but it is not really the flying, I actually enjoy the flying part, its the squishing my fat arse on to the plane seats and the anxiety from not knowing who is going to be sitting next to them and will I squish them. But besides continue as I have been and lose more weight there is nothing else I can do right now.

Well that has been a lot of waffle about generally nothing overly important today, kept me busy for 30mins and maybe gave someone something to read for a short period πŸ™‚

And finally some sage advice from one of my fave ‘motivational speakers’….he’d hate to be called that but not sure how else to describe him……

Just Plodding Along

So after my last post lots has been going on, I really should write more often but where’s the fun in that! It seems that my last post opened the flood gates and by the Tuesday following the post I was a bit of an emotional wreck. In fact I got to work and read an email I didn’t like and broke down, completely and utterly a crying emotional mess….so I went home, crying all the way. It’s funny how something so totally unrelated can just set you off. Got home and just needed a John hug which luckily he works from home but the poor fella was at a bit of a lost of what to do with me and all he could do was give me a big bear hug. I proceeded to go to bed and laid there for hours intermittently crying but not just crying those bouts were almost sobbing sessions and I just couldn’t stop it. Writing my blog had finally cracked open all the feelings I was having about the results of my ovulation tracking and the potential that we really truly would never have children. It brought out the frustration that because of my weight no one really is willing to help you and you can’t even be considered for any assisted reproductive technologies. It makes you pissed off because damn it there are fatter people out there with children and how the fuck does that happen for them and not me.

I am a very visual person and when I’m in my head like I was that day I have these little day dreams play out in my mind and the one that sticks out from that day was the thought that I would just have to be the best damn Aunty I could and that I truly hoped that one of my brothers would have a child, then I could picture myself holding said child for the first time with tears just streaming down my face and not knowing if they were tears of joy or sadness and realising that they were probably both. Even now writing that it makes me cry again. It’s going to be one of those situations where I have to psych myself up to really control my emotions I think, which is going to be very difficult.

After that day I decided that I would take some time for myself and pursue some complimentary therapies. I negotiated a 9 day fortnight at work and booked in my first acupuncture appointment. Last Monday I had my first day off and acupuncture and it was really positive and I am going to pursue weekly appointments with this lady and see if we can use this to promote my stupid body to ovulate on its own.

However my 9 day fortnight did not last long but due to positive reasons, with me getting the opportunity to backfill my managers role for the next 6 weeks which commenced this week and to top this off our leadership group are off to Brisbane for a couple of days for a planning day next week.

Johns and I have been plodding along with our changing habits protocol and are on phase 2 day 29 currently however the last week has been a bit off the rails for us, but we are back on track and have not done too much damage. My next challenge is trying to stay as on protocol as much as possible during my travel to Brisbane so I can lose as much weight as possible between now and my Brother’s wedding in December!

In other exciting news our deck is finally finished! We have been in our house now for 3 years and been living with a sand patch out the back the whole time but finally it is gone and the backyard is a little closer to being completed! I’ll pop some pics below but it has this awesome ‘fluid’ day bed where the carpenter has bent the composite boards to flow up to form the day bed…..now to find some cushions to go on it! We also got a deck and bench seat done out the front too!

So life’s not too bad at the moment and we look forward to our new addition to our family in late January – a brand spanking new Camper Trailer – hell we both work hard enough and it’s not like we have children to spend our money on so why the hell wouldn’t ya.

Xx TTFN

A Journey of Hope

I had a hiatus with writing.

I lost sight of why I was writing and let outside influences impact my desire to share anything in this blog. I decided I wanted to be in my shell for a bit and not share with the world.

And then……

I remembered, remembered why I write this blog. I write it for me, solely, 100% for me to deal with stuff and to journal and document for me, my journey through the ups and downs of infertility and weight loss.

And damn it I need to write because I have been way too much in my head about things lately.

Where to begin….

So late July early August I decided to try yet another GP, one closer to home that bulk bills, I read some reviews online and ventured to her with hubby in tow to spill our guts about our situation. She was extremely patient – we were in there for 40mins – and listened. We talked about options that might be available around further investigations around how to get us pregnant. Given I had already been diagnosed with PCOS and have had Hypothyroidism for 12 odd years these were really 2 big factors that can seriously limit ones fertility but we decided to look at a tracking cycle to determine when I actually ovulate and to ascertain whether there were any issues on the sperm front for hubby and at least rule that out. The doctor discussed that I may want to look at trying Metformin to assist with insulin resistance, I advised her that as yet I had not yet been diagnosed with insulin resistance but if the plethora of tests she was ordering showed it then I was willing to give it a go.

Fast forward a few days and my tests come back and yep sure enough insulin resistance so what the hell I decide to go down the metformin rabbit hole having read that it can really assist with fertility by reducing insulin resistance as well as helping you to lose weight. I had also read the bad stuff, all the side effects like nausea and vomiting (was pretty sure I was going to be ok with that as I don’t vomit unless it’s alcohol induced) and diarrhoea, headaches, lethargy etc etc etc. you know all the fun stuff! I start taking it one tablet a day and have to work up to 3 a day, the doctor gave me the option to manage when I increase so I decide to do a week of one tablet then up it to two tablets for a week and so on. The first three days and then the subsequent three days after each increase are pretty crummy. I did feel nauseous at the start of taking it and at the increases and did have a bit of an upset tummy but luckily I don’t spew so I was having none of that. It does just make you feel blerrrghhhh for a few days but then it settles, as long as you take it straight after food with lots of water.

In between this we commence a tracking cycle, this is where I have blood tests at certain points of my cycle to determine when I’m ovulating. We did day 7, 10, 13 and 20. This has come back indicating that it is unlikely that I ovulate at all and its unlikely we will be able to fall pregnant without assistance. So I found this out from the doctor on a Thursday and the Saturday we were leaving for a 3 week camping trip = no processing time. I also was going straight from the doctors to do food shopping for camping and then buy a few other things and was basically going to be out for the whole morning before I could get home and have a hug from hubby and cry. Because that is all I wanted to do was cry.

I personally believe that I do ovulate but very rarely, as a woman who has obviously done lots of reading on this stuff i know there are other ways to tell, which I’m sure many of you are aware of and I won’t go in to here, but I’m pretty sure that there are some times that I do, but it’s hit and miss. The doctor has offered to do a longer tracking cycle which I am going to take her up on next year. I just feel so angry and sad, so deeply sad because time is running out and no one will help us because of our weight. I’ve been in contact with the new bulk bill IVF clinic that has opened here in Perth and they will only take on patients with a BMI of 34 or under – I’m at about 50. I just want someone to tell me what I should do.

Anyway I tell myself I won’t lose hope and I’m trying hard not to, we’ve commenced another round of Changing Habits Four Phase Fat Protocol we are day 14 of phase 2 currently and in 2 weeks I’ve lost 7.7kgs which is feeling great. The plan is 2 x very strict back to back rounds which will take us through to April next year when we go on our cruise for my 40th. We are going to party it up with my fantastic parents and then come home and it will be time for serious trying, our last ditch effort so to speak. Maybe by then I will have lost enough weight that someone out there will help us, I sure hope so.

These last few months have also highlighted to me that in the general population there is a lot of ignorance surrounding infertility many don’t know that generally for a couple where the woman is over 35 who have been having unprotected sex for 6 months that has not resulted in pregnancy would indicate that there is potentially infertility issues. Or that depending on why you are considered infertile you can make changes to increase your chances. That is what I’m now looking for what I need to do to increase my chances of ovulating regularly. This helped me make my decision around work as well where for the next 3 months at least I have gone on to a 9 day fortnight, yes it increases my work hours but hey I’m already working long days but it gives me a day a fortnight to start looking at appointments with a Chinese medicine practitioner and acupuncturist to see if that can assist me. But if anyone knows of anything else I should try please let me know. It feels quite liberating making that decision for me for a change and not putting work first, I don’t think I have done that in many many years.

In between all of this we have been on a fantastic 3 week camping trip to the Flinders Ranges SA with my Mum and Dad and we had so much fun and made lots of great memories. I will have to document how this trip was in another blog as I will leave this one here for now. It’s amazing usually writing what I have tonight I would have cried again but I think sometimes I have just run out of tears. This is not the life I chose so telling us we are lucky to have freedom we do or the disposable income we do or the lack of hassles that come from having children doesn’t make it feel any better because it is not what we would have chosen for our lives. It just feels very empty at times.

Till next time xx

And the darkness returns

Cycles….

Life travels in cycles

Sometimes meandering along happily

And then filled with heartache

Cycles….

Everything is cyclical

Hope, Sadness, Grief, Life

Round and round we go

Life flashes before our eyes, time never slowing

Panic rises, squeezing your chest

Crying comes and goes

Eat, sleep, work, repeat……..

Eat, sleep, work, repeat…….

Is this all there is?

Is this all we wanted?

Is this of our own design?

And still we are turning always moving but only in a circle, never forwards

Never reaching our ultimate goal

Fuck you Infertility Fuck You!

I used to write poems a lot as a teenager, they were never really any good but they helped me get shit off my chest. So I thought I’d give it another go, especially when I’ve had a shite day. You know it’s funny because my shite day is just about it being shite because I’m so up in my head about things all the time. Plus I’ve had a pretty bad headache for 2 days and am so over my stupid back and neck not being right. This all resulted in this overwhelming feeling of anxiousness as I’m getting off the train, managing to hold it barely together until I got in to my car in the train car park. So there I am at 5pm sitting in my car for a good 15mins having a bawl, I contemplated going to see a friend for a cry and vent as I know it just kills John when I come home like this. I know it then ripples over and makes him feel shit cos he doesn’t like to see me so sad. But he is my person and sometimes you just need your person and you don’t want to let anyone else see your tears and hurt. I don’t like not being the rock for others and therefore I don’t like asking for help from others, it takes a lot for me to do so. I also see my tears at times as weakness and so it is a thing that occurs only at home or in my car when driving home. And so I write, I come home I cry to John and he gives me the best hugs and then I write here in this blog and I then move on for a bit longer, till the next ‘episode’. Once its out of my head I can move on for a little longer…..till the next time. But it also means once its out I don’t like talking about it in person with anyone besides mum and John or others who have experienced infertility.

Sometimes I wonder if I think too much, I play scenarios out in my head instead of being in the moment and just living. Like even in saying that I’m in my head thinking…but your not living are you, you’re just surviving doing the same shit different days. I need a frickin hobby or something, queue the Segway into…..I can’t wait till I can get my piano tuned, yep just got a piano from my beautiful mother. It was a gift that means something to me to remember my grandparents on mum’s side, Nanna and Grandpa used to love to sit and listen to me play. So this piano is over 100 years old and an upright one but it does need tuning. I have already been having a play regularly (poor John and the neighbours as it is out of tune) and realise how rusty I am. At least it will be something I can do to take my mind off things that are missing in my life.

Catching public transport probably doesn’t help the issue of me getting caught up in my head either, it provides plenty of thinking time but also situations like today where the same pregnant lady was on the train in the morning and then again in the afternoon! I was thinking SERIOUSLY pregnant people are stalking me, so I moved to the next carriage to get away. It’s such a weird feeing when it’s friends or family that are the pregnant ones and the feelings change depending on their pregnancy experiences like those that have had issues falling pregnant I am over the moon for and then everyone else you are super happy for but also very sad for yourself.

I have realised that I must be very good at compartmentalising things in my life – be super organised all together at work, fall apart and be sad most of the time at home. I don’t know if its the whole mentality of leave your home life at the door when you walk in the office or what….or the fact that I have for 15 years pretty much put work before everything else and I don’t know how to change that. Who knows…….but I probably need to find some balance – I’m just not sure how, like I know I really probably need to seek the services of a counsellor and talk shit out but then it’s like when would I do that, how do I find the time, do they work outside of office hours????

In the interim I probably need to get back to meditating as I haven’t done that in the last 3 weeks, so that is next weeks goal meditate every day after work. We shall see how that goes….in the meantime I should sign off now as I’m just waffling and crying, waffling and crying…..if you got this far, please don’t worry I will be fine, i am mentally very strong and resilient I just sometimes have to purge the emotions….it’s a cycle and we’re still going round.

Today’s Ponderings

Today I am day 2 of the elimination phase of the protocol we are following, I’ve already lost 1.9kgs in 24hrs….yes yes water weight blah blah I know – what evs it’s still weight and it’s still gone down so I am happy with that.

I’ve been coming home the last two days and doing a meditation, yesterday I was really surprised by the power of the one I found and did. I had been struggling all day with an EPIC headache due to my neck and shoulders being out of whack so I thought that I would try a guided meditation to reduce pain and tension and it did just that. I was super surprised but so glad as it made it a bit more bearable to get back up and make dinner and get our food prep done for the next day. Yes I still went to bed with a huge headache but it had reduced to huge instead of EPIC so I cannot complain.

This week so far has been better. I’ve been feeling physically better the last two days (besides the headache) and I have not been coming home and crying each day which is always a plus. Maybe my purge in my blog last week did work and allowed me to vent all my angers and frustrations at infertility and allow me now to focus on the healing my body needs.

I have just started following a blog about another lady’s journey with infertility and she has been talking about what infertility has taught her and it got me thinking about what I am learning through this ‘journey’ myself.

Things like until recently I have not particularly thought of myself as infertile or used the term infertility in relation to myself, its like I was scared to put it in those terms. It seemed finite, like if I say I’m infertile there’s no going back…but that’s not true, currently I am infertile I need to own that and move on to trying to change it if that is even possible.

I’ve learnt that maybe my perspective of I am infertile because I am hugely obese and if I lose weight I’ll be able to have a baby is possibly also untrue. I haven’t yet learnt how I feel about that – like what if, what if I lose the weight and the problem is something else – what then. I have learnt that however I would still then be grateful for losing the weight and being healthier. I have also learnt that I know deep down that John and I are solid and stronger together and no matter what he is my rock and we can and will get through anything together as a team.

It made me realise that next year we will have been together half my life – 20 years – we have built a solid foundation just the two of us and no matter what we will draw on that to get through whatever life may throw at us. But it also at times makes me think…..what if we are too selfish now to bring children in to our little family of 3 (can’t discount our fur baby he’s a spoilt little brat and treated like our child). We do what we want when we want, work commitments not withstanding of course. But we don’t have to take in to consideration a child and a child’s needs, how would we adapt to that. Of course we would as we are adaptable people (well I am I might have to drag John kicking and screaming through a change though lol) but there is always that question there. It’s like far out 20 years or more together before we have kids, I always thought my Mum and Dad being together 7 years before they had me was a long time back in those days – and back then it probably was but 20 years….Fuck.

But these are just a few of things that infertility has taught me or made me realise of the years – the biggest one however is that people don’t like to talk about it….well you know what I’m not going to shut up it needs to be talked about and people shouldn’t be silenced just because a topic makes someone else uncomfortable πŸ™‚

So anyways when I have been meditating lately I have been holding in my hand a palm sized carnelian stone that I bought recently. I bought it just because I liked the smooth and orange fiery colours in it, it called to me you could say. Anyways I like holding it when I meditate because it’s nice and smooth and it gets really warm in my hand and just feels right. I thought just now as I had an intermission in my writing that I would finally look up what carnelian crystals are good for and part of the explanation was this:

Orange and red carnelian are important crystals to use for love, and for the consummation of love. (Ok maybe don’t need that bit…we have been together for 19 years after all). Orange crystals, in particular, are fertility and potency symbols and are linked with conceiving a child. (Spooky) Carenelian of either colour may help in rekindling passions that might have faded in an otherwise loving relationship. (I might leave that one well enough alone hehe).

So how spinny is that, I chose the crystal not knowing what uses and properties that it had and it turns out it’s one I needed – here’s a pic of it below!

Anyways on that note I’m going to sign off and stew an apple to eat as I haven’t had my 2nd fruit for the day.

Remember Feel the Fear and do it Anyways xx